I think it’s important to have closure in any relationship that ends – from a romantic relationship to a friendship. You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and why it ended. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase.

Jennifer Aniston

That’s great and it sounds right to me, but what if I don’t know why something started and can’t really say why I think it needs to be ended?

I find myself adrift. I am not sure why some relationships in my life continue the way they do and I’m not really sure how to end it, or if I even need to.

I’ve got open ends on both sides and I’m thinking that something has to change, something has to happen, but again I don’t know how or why.

I am avoiding the things that bring me clarity: yoga, health, meditation

I’m stuck in some kind of old pattern and I can see it, I can see the door to get out,  but I seem to have misplaced the key. But, I think I want the key misplaced. I’m holding on to something I cannot name because I don’t know the part of me that is holding on.

I believe Rumi is right, that the purpose is always there, but what if you cannot even identify those wounds? Is it necessary to do that or am I just stalling, and avoiding, and overthinking so that I won’t find out?

I thought awareness meant that I would be aware of things and then they would change or that I could change them. Turns out a lot of it is like watching a movie of your own life: part of you is automatically reacting while the other part sits back and making commentary and taking notes.

With all of the work I have done to cultivate this awareness, I still don’t understand how I still feel like I deserve to be treated with disrespect? or to be blamed and ridiculed for things that are not my doing, to be taken for granted, avoided, dumped on, you name it. Do some relationships just have a greater hold?

Have I become so accustomed to the dysfunction that I cannot accept that I am worthy of functional? 

While I work on awareness, I still don’t seem to have access to what I would call clarity. I cannot see the greater part that is motivating me to take a step back from what I need to be doing for myself right now.

I have locked myself out. 

I am desperate some days to figure this out and yet I do none of the things I need to do to find the answers. Instead, I actively avoid those things, like yoga, and choose not to partake in what I know will bring me the answers. But, why?

Am I not ready? Or am I scared? 

Am I truly avoiding Clarity, or am I keeping myself in the dark a little while longer? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer.