I didn’t kill myself, but I wanted to, and I tried to, many times. Maybe I didn’t research suicide enough to make it work, but maybe I didn’t want to make it work because somewhere in my suffering there was a tiny spark, a hidden feeling of hope. I can only recall the hopelessness, but
Category: Renewal & Rebirth
In the post on V&E Words: Renewal I discovered that the prefix RE- means “again”. Inspired by fellow blogger Que Fenomeno post called Coin-a-Concept (excerpt to follow) I want to look at the word NEW and the influence the concept of “newness” has over our worldview. Definitions of New Adjective: descriptive a) What has not previously existed, differs from what existed in
Lady of Shalott and Rites of Passage The Lady of Shalott is a poem about the tension between the internal and external world; a rite of passage for a girl becoming a woman; the movement from innocence to experience; discontentment leading to action, and the consequences of passion. The Curse: Death will come upon her if
Spring I welcome spring wholeheartedly, the thaw followed by nature’s regrowth, and renewal is always a beautiful comfort. There is a hopefulness in Spring. The longer days give me the feeling of possibility, that there is enough time to do everything I want to do. The life-closing-in-on me shortness of the Winter days is replaced with increased productivity and
I had a plan. I put everything int0 this plan: my time, effort, and energy, and to no avail. The universe returned my efforts with a message: there is a greater plan you need to follow now, and it is not the one you were working for (and you know it).
I had put all of my effort into plan B, which did involve a lot of courage: facing fears, working through setbacks, and being honest with myself. However, Plan A is less comfortable, less secure, more of an unknown than Plan B.
It seems I have a choice before me: work towards the life I have envisioned for myself or make a new plan B. The decision seems obvious but, following plan A has me feeling lost, confused, scared, and courageous, brave and strong all at once.
Am I experiencing an existential crisis, or is it something else?