Teaching from a Broken Heart

When I discovered that teaching yoga was the best and most natural thing for more it felt so great. It felt like I had discovered a missing piece and I was so excited to make it my vocation.

I have dedicated the last 4 years to my craft, to teaching, to guiding, to challenging myself to learn more and give the best experience to my students. Teaching meditation and doing readings for people fill me up so much and I love to see the growth that comes from the work that I do.

What people may not know is how much I have been through to keep all of it going. I dragged my daughter around to yoga studios all over the city and beyond and sometimes I would only get paid $10 for the hour. An hour is never an hour because you support your students and there is driving so it is more like 2 hours. I would be able to cover gas and a bagel for my kid.
I began to think that I had no worth because people just wanted my services for free. Teaching was not my hobby it was my job and I took the wellbeing of my students seriously but I was often not compensated accordingly. But I wanted to do it and I believed that if I just kept working hard and getting myself out there I would find the right opportunities and my work would feed us.

In the meamtime, I missed so much of what was going on with my kid because i just had to keep going. My health deteriorated. I was burnt out but I believed in what I was doing so I kept going and kept trying and striving and providing all I could. I kept believing that next month it would work out.

I had other jobs to help pay the bills but had to file for bankruptcy because I got to the point where I was using my credit cards to pay rent and it was that or we would be homeless again and at that point I had worked every single day both retail and teaching taking any extra shift I could for 6 months straight.

We have been without a home of our own 4 times in the last 4 years and it was thanks to the kindness of friends that I was able to rent spare space in their houses for us to live out of suitcases until I could find something.

We lost almost everything we owned to a bed bug infestation from living in a slum which was all I could afford and a month later covid happened.

A few months into covid, an opportunity that felt like a way out of this intense survival mode ended abruptly and I went from thinking that i had finally arrived to being back at square one.

I adapted. I kept going, I built a website, I worked to keep us afloat. I believed that if I was dedicated the people would come and one day I would thrive. I was interviewed on podcasts. I had period where the interest in my work peaked and then it died again.

Over and over I Revive the dead body, mind, and spirit and start over.

I have so many skills and I am smart and I know how to survive but I am so damn tired.

I am so grateful to the studio owners, mentors, students and fellow teachers who have supported me along the way. I really wish that I could have made this work just to honour all of you!

To the people, old friends and new, who have sheltered and supported me. No matter what I am always tremendously grateful for you. I wish I could make something work just to honour your belief in me.

I don’t know what the future holds, I just wanted to share my story and the parts of it that I have been carrying with a lot of shame because I think that the things we feel shameful about have less power when they are shared.

When I was a kid Amanda Marshall had a song that said “everybody has a story that would break your heart” how true is that?

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